Malice posted this on The Womb a few days ago. [edit: after this was linked on GS the original post was found] I don’t think he was the original writer, but this is so dead-on to the typical Gearslutz reaction I had to repost it. If you’ve ever asked for advice or looked up gear reviews on Gearslutz you should get a kick out of this list.
1. Low-end gear means anything under $2000.
2. Everything made by Neumann is crap today. I mean Grade-A dog diarrhea. People only use it because of hype or because they have deals (like LA Guitar Quartet – the KM184 actually SUCKS for guitars, but they have an endorsement so they HAVE to use them…)
3. The Yamaha NS-10M is the worst speaker in the world. The sound is somewhat like putting tape over the mouths of two macaws and tasing them simultaneously (make sure they aren’t flush against the wall).
4. The only monitors anyone should ever use are the ADAM A7′s or maybe – JUST MAYBE – the Barefoot speakers or the Dynaudio M3′s. And you really need a sub for those.
5. Avalon 737 is trash.
6. Avalon 747 is trash.
7. The Avalon M5 is OK “for bass.”
8. The only mics that can be used for classical guitar are the $2500 Schoeps or some equally priced Sennheiser. Otherwise, nothing in your mic cabinet will work.
9. Teams of well-paid German, Austrian, and Russian engineers consistently miss the mark, because any piece of equipment can be modded by you for $30 in parts to make it sound “just like a Neumann XX” (vintage of course).
10. Anything with the number “500″ on it is a great piece of gear.
11. Anything that says Apogee is good.
12. Anything that has a cat logo or the name of a type of cat is good.
13. The Fireface is really the only firewire interface anyone should ever consider. Everything else – EVERYTHING – belongs in the skip.
14. Why aren’t you using a Mac?
15. The TLM 103 is by far the worst microphone made. It makes everything sound like Fiona Apple wrapped in carpet.
16. The TLM 49 is a close second. It makes everything sound like Barry White garggling wasps.
17. You should’ve gotten a Soundelux U195. God, it is so much better than any Neumann.
18. Or a Peluso 2247.
19. If it doesn’t say Neve, it is crap.
20. If it doesn’t say API, it is crap.
21. If it doesn’t say Manley, it is crap.
22. In a “comparison post,” whatever YOU own is BETTER, regardless of whether you’ve ever heard of it or used it, or if your gear was even listed in the OP’s comparison.
23. Any piece of equipment that is available at Guitar Center or American Musical is crap, except maybe a U87, but that is junk too unless someone from GS swallows it and sh*ts it out, a technique used to simulate 40 years of delicate aging.
24. Any gear that is good must’ve been pulled out of a much larger object and modified to fit in a rack by the actual person that designed it.
25. Trident is now crap.
26. The jury is still out on Toft, but we’re pretty sure it is crap since it is often mentioned in the same breath as Joe Meek.
27. Did I mention that Genelec makes the WORST monitors in the world? Just absolute horse-sh*t.
28. Anything touched by Joly is better than any mic ever created, including a vintage U47.
29. Anything that starts with a G is a good piece of gear (Great River, Grace, Golden Age, Gefell, Grado) EXCEPT Genelec, of course.
30. There is no gear – NONE – worse than Mackie. Mackie is worse than late 80′s Nady gear. The HR824′s woofers are made of goat dung and the tweeters are made from the severed wings of demon locusts, and to dare use anything with a Mackie pre will summon brutish beasts from Netherworld who will feast on the souls of your family.
31. Bring your lunchbox everywhere, because no commercial studio has anything that competes with the 512c.
32. U87′s are not compatible with anything made by Universal Audio (which is all crap anyway, just unusable)
33. The Shure SM7 is awesome… BUT IT BETTER BE AN A/B/(no letter).
I think you forgot the Digi-bashing. Other than that – dead on!
Brilliant.
It’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad. Sad because it’s ridiculously accurate.
Thanks for the comments guys. I thought you’d like it. I wish I could have been the one that wrote it.
Oh man. This is hilarious. I don’t hang out in tech forums for this reason.
Great blog.
I’ve found much entertainment from GS over the years. Some folks are so intense and over-the-top it’s hilarious.
Speaking of Digi Bashing, I found this post last night
http://www.gearslutz.com/board/so-much-gear-so-little-time/400340-whats-your-favorite-pro-tools-analogy.html
Smug bastards
Also, everything/anything made in China sucks.
nice
very funny
also you used to rely on Waves plugins but sold it all in 1987 to move on to some other set of plugins!
This is hilarious although I love lurking the GS forums despite these stereotypes. Actually, even the rudest folks on GS seem tame compared to other forums I have visited.
too funny and too perfect.
It seems on GS anything recorded after 1979 is crap too unless they were an artist who was famous before 1979. But even then they are continually compared to their previous recordings that were better.
Fek alll thees sheet.
This is funny and true on the most part. I am amaze how the herds of gear prostitutes can be drawn into the dark red lighted room by a hardworking Pimp with cool hat. The GS sales floor can be a confusing place for those with limited experience and seeking advice. Some actually take whatever information to heart. Most GS posters may not like the TLM 103, but that mic has made much $$$ for several artist already. And one artist I know who just got a interview from a famous recording magazine still swears by it for her new releases. Might have not been the best mic in the world for the artist, but it took her or any of them up another level in the music industry. Which counts for a lot in my eyes.
Thank for this post.
Genelec S30 series are one of the best monitors ever produced.